Friday, November 1, 2013

Holiday Blues or am I just blue, period?

Halloween has passed.  Now onto Thanksgiving.  Then Christmas.  Then New Years Eve AND Day.  Then what? We all start to make promises we secretly call "resolutions" and stick with them for about a month, two if we are lucky.  Then we wait for the next holiday. 

As a child I couldn't wait for the holidays.  All of the family getting together and SO many traditions we have made over the years to follow.  But hitting mid-life and finding out how much the world has changed, or how much MY world has changed has left me in a deeply dug hole.  One I put myself in but never saw me digging.

I was going to go somewhere and do something.  The first 30 years seemed to be everything I wanted, even if I didn't follow society's trends or do what everyone expected me to.  Then I seemed to "grow up."  Whatever that means.  I got my BS followed by my Masters and got a job teaching.  Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my job but the people who run it, who TRULY don't know what they are doing, are ruining the entire public education system.  I am so far in debt with student loans to pay more and more in taxes and "benefits" and bring home less and less.  And funny how the requirements for me, even though I am considered highly educated and highly qualified in my field are left to politicians, who aren't trained in this field, to tell me what I have to show.  And honestly it's just more hoops to jump through to look good on paper.

Now comes the time where I am an adult.  But I did what I thought was right and I'm not happy.  I liked being the gypsy that I was the first 30 just trying to find out who I was...though I don't know if I ever did.  I need to figure out the other side of 40.  I keep hearing this decade is all about doing IT.  But I feel like my feet are in cement. I can't make changes? But why? Why the monotony? Why the sadness?

Because it's a time of family.  Not everyone has the Rockwell picturesque of a family.  Facebook is handy to make everyone ELSE think that YOU have it all figured out. Liars.  Inside those four walls there are more secrets that I think you are afraid of others seeing, so you play the game of "My life is perfect."  IS this the life you dreamt of?  Or are you playing the hand you dealt, due to your choices.  I know that some can honestly answer they really enjoy this time of their life.  But deep inside my soul I just think that when all the good is erased and it's my turn to make my own memories...I am not sure what to do.

I do know I need to escape.  Not with alcohol or drugs.  I've been there.  I mean I need to leave tomorrow and leave the last 40 behind and go somewhere where I can begin again.  Will it end the sadness?  I know that grass is always greener analogy but I can't get out of the mindset to run away.  Leave everything and everyone behind and whatever happens no one has to worry or think about me because me, as you know me, is left in infamy in the memories we carry around in our hearts and the pictures we leave on FB.  I always loved when my mom told me to run away, just don't leave the front yard. Hm.  How simple instructions and could only wish someone could put those restrictions on me.  To save me from that big, bad world that is ready to crap on me.  Or continue to.

I just want the holidays to pass so I don't have to remember that my family is gone.  Not all the members.  Just the family I knew.  And with that gone, I don't see a place for me here.  At least not now. I want to face freedom with no fear and go...

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About Me

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T-town, WA, United States
I am 45, MWF with 3 dogs: Molly (My Mom's pup), Harleigh and Parker. I teach 8th grade and absolutely LOVE my job. I've been married 8 years to Ricky, whom I love with all my heart. I also like to go to movies and love the drive in! I love Netflix and reality tv (which, is truly more of an obsession.) I am on facebook so look for me! Life is changing all the time, I am just not sure if I am keeping up with the changes.