Monday, May 27, 2013

45 is the new....No. It's just 45.

Today is Memorial Day of 2013.

It's been 3 years since I wrote.  I don't know why.  Maybe because I was so busy living life that I never took the time to stop and say what was happening.  Now if you ask me what happened in the last three years I don't have a lot to say.  I was in a car accident.  I passed out at the wheel, crossed the line and hit an oncoming car head on.  Because of that I now have a felony on my record for a car accident.  I had my license revoked for a year and I will have to take the test over AGAIN as if I was 16 in June of 2014.  I've never had a ticket but now I'm a felon.   It's not even really a felony because when you have to check off that box on any type of application for ANYTHING and you say it's for a car accident and the other guy had a few stitches in his forehead and was let out of the hospital in a few hours people look at you like you're crazy and you continue as normal.  This has just been surreal.

How about my husband losing his job?  Yeah, this was pretty neat. He was diagnosed with Congestive Heart Failure and COPD.  For the next two years he just sat at home and let me go to work everyday and pay for everything on my own.  He never did anything at home to help and when I did get paid, he took my debit car and went and drank money away at the pub.  My resentment built up so bad I felt my depression spiral downward and out of control.  He never understood me.  He only understood, "He was dying."   Which, aren't we all?

Last December 29th I got a call from my sister, Anita, and when I answer I can't get the words out of my head. "Mom passed away."  I just had spent four days, including Xmas eve and day with my Mom and two sisters.  It was so great.  We talked about growing up and where we were going.  The dogs were running around.  I sat with my Mom for what would be the last time and took her through my pictures on my iPad that she had never seen, even pictures of her after her last round of chemo a few years back.  She was appalled at those few pics and said, "I never want to look like that again!"  I said, "But look at you now!  You look so good and that's amazing!"  As we dropped her off at her home I hugged her, told her I loved her and got into my truck and drove home.  To a home where I was in a severe depression.   Who knew four days later I would be told that she had left me forever?

The viewing was the worst thing I have ever endured in my life.  To stand beside my mommy and ask her about all those plans we had that will never come true.  What about all those questions I still have?  What about all those things coming that I won't know how to handle?  What about when I need help?  What about when I want to die and I really am ready to go and only my mother's love can tell me that I AM somebody and that she loves me so much?  Who will tell me I am pretty?  That I am talented?  That I can do anything?   I don't think anyone understands that her body lying there, with her eyes closed, and not responding was the WORST thing that could ever happen to me in my life.  She was gone.  And there was nothing I could do about it.  And I don't know anyone who understands how I feel.   So I stay to myself and cry so hard, until I'm empty and then pretend I'm okay because that's how I'm supposed to be, right.

Five months later...I've lived through my brother's bday, my sister's bday, my dad's bday, my parent's anniversary and mother's day. All without my Mom. Now its Memorial Day.  I can't go to the cemetery.  I went there once for my dad after he died.  Ricky took me.  I walked to his grave and placed flowers on it.  But it felt so cold and lonely.   I've never been back.  Since my mom's burial I haven't been back.  It might sound stupid, but since watching Long Island Medium I am just believing more and more that maybe Mom and Dad are around me all the time and with me.  It's just the hollow feeling inside that I don't know how to restore.  I don't know who I am.  45 and I have no clue who I am.  I am Iris' youngest daughter.  I'm her baby.   Not anymore.  I'm just Teri.  45 year old Teri.  Who is that, really?

Next sisters are moving to AZ.  I was supposed to move, too, but it just didn't work out.  I am aiming for next summer.  But they will leave in three weeks.  When they insides will grow a bit more hollow.  I am just that much more alone.  My best friend lives forever away.  I can't drive to go see anyone.  All of my friends were lucky enough to have children and have lives.  I'm not hating, it's just a realization that I am trying to come to terms with that as I look at MY life, this is what *I* am dealing with.   School is coming to a close.  I will drive with my sisters to AZ for their final move, go to San Diego to see Rocky, my best friend, go to Mexico with my husband and then a small jaunt somewhere with my good friend, Angie before next school year begins.  Hopefully somewhere I find healing in this search for myself while saying goodbye, for now, to my sisters.

So, take this love, take it down
Oh if you climb a mountain and you turn around
If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well the landslide will bring you down, down 
Fleetwood Mac Live 2013, Tacoma Dome 5/20/13

 ~Teri, 45

About Me

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T-town, WA, United States
I am 45, MWF with 3 dogs: Molly (My Mom's pup), Harleigh and Parker. I teach 8th grade and absolutely LOVE my job. I've been married 8 years to Ricky, whom I love with all my heart. I also like to go to movies and love the drive in! I love Netflix and reality tv (which, is truly more of an obsession.) I am on facebook so look for me! Life is changing all the time, I am just not sure if I am keeping up with the changes.