Hitting a wall

 

After driving with my sisters down to AZ where they now live, and spent 2 weeks with them I flew to San Diego to stay 10 days with my BFF, Rocky, and her 2 daughters.  As usual we had so much fun.  We laughed and we cried and once again parted ways.  Now I'm back home and the realization that I am just not happy here has really set in.  I can't remember a time I have ever felt this sad and alone.

I am trying to get in contact with people and be social because I realize the more I sit here by myself the further I sink.

 

I have always listened to Fleetwood Mac since I can remember.  I was a huge Stevie Nicks fan in High School during her 1st solo career.  In May my husband and I went to see Fleetwood Mac at the Tacoma Dome.  Something was different.  When they sang I listened.  I mean LISTENED.  I couldn't believe how some of the lyrics to songs were connected to my soul, my story.  The concert was over 2hours of JUST FM.  No opening act-just their iconic music.  I think of all the music and lyrics I have in my head.  People always tell me, "How do you remember all these lyrics?"   It's just something I know, I guess.  Since the concert I started listening to FM's greatest hits and fell in love with them all over again.  I started listening to the songs and thought, "I should look up the lyrics."  That lead me to researching the meanings behind the music  Stevie has always been known as a mystical persona.  I started watching film, interviews, clips...whatever I could get my hands on as I learned about this woman from Phoenix, AZ who never settled for content...through everything she held out for what made her happiest, her music.  The story of Stevie is bittersweet because she ended up with everything she aspired to be and had very sad/heartbreaking romance that lives on in her music.  I see Taylor Swift doing the same thing and we rake her over the coals.   You listen to most anything written by Stevie and you'll hear a story.  You will make a bond with the song, and with her that will never break.  Because everytime you hear that song it takes you to THAT place. Good, bad, happy or sad I can actually feel the words in my soul.  Perhaps it's my age, perhaps I never THOUGHT about what I was saying as I sang (to any song.)  I even listen to the music my students do and it's all so sexual and violent "but the beat's good" so we continue to let them listen.  My mom let me sing Elton John's "The Bitch is Back" because saying bitch wasn't me swearing after all, it was a lyric!  I used to make kids pick their favorite song of all time and then re-interpret the words for exact meaning. It's amazing what they learn about what they sing. 

 

Stevie's "Gypsy" (recorded by FM) is a haunting song that reminds me the gypsy in me is gone and I can look back but now that I'm older I need to continue on in life and remember that girl, but get past her.  She's not coming back.  Keep the memories alive but be in the present making new ones.  It tears me up, every time.  I think about the song "Dreams."  I remember I was sitting outside of Taco Time in Federal Way, WA and the song came on the radio and I sang it as if I were Stevie and I would look into the rear-view mirror as if it was the camera and I was making a video.  I can replay that in my head, but I have no idea why I have THAT memory.  But, she made that bond with me that day. A bond that still exists.

 

I heard that Stevie had made a documentary while writing/recording her latest album, "In Your Dreams (2011)."  So I went to listen to the music and just found, of course, TONS of videos of Stevie.  I started watching anything and everything I could get my hands on.  Her life story is Unreal.  She speaks about it freely but guarded but doesn't let the message escape you.  SHE made the mistakes that if, in your life, some mistake from her life pops up in your head and leads you to make a good choice, then she knows that her story has benefitted another.  She already made the mistake so I don't have to.  As I read the lyrics to her music, especially For What it's Worth and Secret Love, they seem to eerily speak to my heart.  I can lie on my couch, put on my headphones, and close my eyes to hear Stevie's latest words.  I decided to download the documentary In Your Dreams, which follows her for 13 months as she records the album.  You get to learn so much about what goes into production of an album but you also see the friendship of Stevie and Dave Stewart (Eurythmics) and Mike Campbell.  They're artistry and poetry are so beautiful together.  You can FEEL them in the words they play.  In the videos of the two songs I mentioned you can see it, hear it and feel it. The documentary shows how each song on the LP was made/written/discovered.  It also shows her connection with Lyndsey & Mick Fleetwood.   I realized that this lady is 65.  I am 20 years younger than her and I am officially obsessed with her.  Last time I felt like this about an artist was in 1984 with Rick Springfield.  

 

I don't know how to get through this bout of depression because I have never been this low or this sad, ever.  But I know at least I have Stevie to turn to because her words are hitting me like a brick.  I've ran into a wall and feel at this time I'll never get over or around it, but w/her music, which is about HER life, I know there is support.    I don't know what I am supposed to do from here so I'll have to bring down that wall one brick at a time, for what it's worth.

~Teri C