Hitting a wall

 

After driving with my sisters down to AZ where they now live, and spent 2 weeks with them I flew to San Diego to stay 10 days with my BFF, Rocky, and her 2 daughters.  As usual we had so much fun.  We laughed and we cried and once again parted ways.  Now I'm back home and the realization that I am just not happy here has really set in.  I can't remember a time I have ever felt this sad and alone.

I am trying to get in contact with people and be social because I realize the more I sit here by myself the further I sink.

 

I have always listened to Fleetwood Mac since I can remember.  I was a huge Stevie Nicks fan in High School during her 1st solo career.  In May my husband and I went to see Fleetwood Mac at the Tacoma Dome.  Something was different.  When they sang I listened.  I mean LISTENED.  I couldn't believe how some of the lyrics to songs were connected to my soul, my story.  The concert was over 2hours of JUST FM.  No opening act-just their iconic music.  I think of all the music and lyrics I have in my head.  People always tell me, "How do you remember all these lyrics?"   It's just something I know, I guess.  Since the concert I started listening to FM's greatest hits and fell in love with them all over again.  I started listening to the songs and thought, "I should look up the lyrics."  That lead me to researching the meanings behind the music  Stevie has always been known as a mystical persona.  I started watching film, interviews, clips...whatever I could get my hands on as I learned about this woman from Phoenix, AZ who never settled for content...through everything she held out for what made her happiest, her music.  The story of Stevie is bittersweet because she ended up with everything she aspired to be and had very sad/heartbreaking romance that lives on in her music.  I see Taylor Swift doing the same thing and we rake her over the coals.   You listen to most anything written by Stevie and you'll hear a story.  You will make a bond with the song, and with her that will never break.  Because everytime you hear that song it takes you to THAT place. Good, bad, happy or sad I can actually feel the words in my soul.  Perhaps it's my age, perhaps I never THOUGHT about what I was saying as I sang (to any song.)  I even listen to the music my students do and it's all so sexual and violent "but the beat's good" so we continue to let them listen.  My mom let me sing Elton John's "The Bitch is Back" because saying bitch wasn't me swearing after all, it was a lyric!  I used to make kids pick their favorite song of all time and then re-interpret the words for exact meaning. It's amazing what they learn about what they sing. 

 

Stevie's "Gypsy" (recorded by FM) is a haunting song that reminds me the gypsy in me is gone and I can look back but now that I'm older I need to continue on in life and remember that girl, but get past her.  She's not coming back.  Keep the memories alive but be in the present making new ones.  It tears me up, every time.  I think about the song "Dreams."  I remember I was sitting outside of Taco Time in Federal Way, WA and the song came on the radio and I sang it as if I were Stevie and I would look into the rear-view mirror as if it was the camera and I was making a video.  I can replay that in my head, but I have no idea why I have THAT memory.  But, she made that bond with me that day. A bond that still exists.

 

I heard that Stevie had made a documentary while writing/recording her latest album, "In Your Dreams (2011)."  So I went to listen to the music and just found, of course, TONS of videos of Stevie.  I started watching anything and everything I could get my hands on.  Her life story is Unreal.  She speaks about it freely but guarded but doesn't let the message escape you.  SHE made the mistakes that if, in your life, some mistake from her life pops up in your head and leads you to make a good choice, then she knows that her story has benefitted another.  She already made the mistake so I don't have to.  As I read the lyrics to her music, especially For What it's Worth and Secret Love, they seem to eerily speak to my heart.  I can lie on my couch, put on my headphones, and close my eyes to hear Stevie's latest words.  I decided to download the documentary In Your Dreams, which follows her for 13 months as she records the album.  You get to learn so much about what goes into production of an album but you also see the friendship of Stevie and Dave Stewart (Eurythmics) and Mike Campbell.  They're artistry and poetry are so beautiful together.  You can FEEL them in the words they play.  In the videos of the two songs I mentioned you can see it, hear it and feel it. The documentary shows how each song on the LP was made/written/discovered.  It also shows her connection with Lyndsey & Mick Fleetwood.   I realized that this lady is 65.  I am 20 years younger than her and I am officially obsessed with her.  Last time I felt like this about an artist was in 1984 with Rick Springfield.  

 

I don't know how to get through this bout of depression because I have never been this low or this sad, ever.  But I know at least I have Stevie to turn to because her words are hitting me like a brick.  I've ran into a wall and feel at this time I'll never get over or around it, but w/her music, which is about HER life, I know there is support.    I don't know what I am supposed to do from here so I'll have to bring down that wall one brick at a time, for what it's worth.

~Teri C

Vacation, pt. 1

I drove from Tacoma all the way to Phoenix, AZ in the range of 3 days.  While there were good times to be had, day 2 had to be the sickest trip ever.  Well, we went through OR, ID, UT and a bit into NV and then into AZ.  My sisters decided that, after Mom died, that there was really nothing left in WA for them.  They decided to move to Surprise, AZ.  They made the move in about 3 months.  So the final steps were to drive their cars down with the last luggage and the dogs.

Once we got down there we had to sleep on blow up mattresses because we didn't know when the furniture would arrive.  That night we took Vickie's friend, Lisa, to the airport as she had to go home.  We came back to the house and laid on the mattresses and kind of started playing a game but Vickie stopped responding so Anita and I decided to sleep, as well.

The next day I was excited to go lie by the pool and realized that my sisters were now going to spend everyday setting up their home and not have pool time with me.  So I laid out for a few hours and then went in to shower.  After the shower I realized I had a 3rd degree burn on my right shin.  However, nothing else got color??? 

 While I was there we saw Now You See Me and The Heat.  I really liked the first movie and the latter was OK.  I had popcorn both nights.  When I went to bed the 2nd night I awoke at 3 in the morning and my stomach was churning. I raced to the bathroom only to realize I was going to hurl.  And boy did I ever!  The next day I didn't move out of bed.  I finally woke up around 5pm only to find blisters on my right shin.  I got the Neosporin on it and knew the pool was out for a few days.

 We spent that weekend shopping.  And driving.  We never knew exactly where we were at. Someone told us that if we saw mountains, that direction was W.   So what are we to think when we see mountains in every direction?  I am sure some were hills but when none of them have snow on them, how does a Washingtonian tell the difference?  I have never felt so lost in all of my life as I did during those 2 weeks in Surprise.

 After our weekend of shopping I realized that a blister appeared on my big, right toe.  And it had popped and bled.  Last time this happened, 3 years ago at Disneyworld Parks, on my left, big toe, the hole started to eat itself inward and I had emergency surgery and remained in a boot for 11 weeks.  It hasn't healed.   That's neat.

 When the moving crew finally came the movers were Mexican and made some racist comments yet gave us their homemade tamales.  They could have killed us, the tamales, not the Mexicans, but we ate them anyhow.  Never seen a Long girl turn down a tamale.  Once all the furniture was in the next week was full of emptying boxes, washing, drying, cleaning things, moving things around...etc.  At night we always went out to dinner.  The best meal had to be at Pedro's in Glendale.  The most authentic Mexican dinner I have had, since I was IN Mexico.  Weird part was the cook was Asian and the servers were older (over 55) and white.  Everyone else...Mexican.  I really didn't think of it again once I started eating.  We also ate at Texas Roadhouse.  Chili, Cesar Salad, 6oz sirloin, baker with everything and 4 yeast rolls with cinnamon-honey butter.  Two of the best meals I had.  YUM.

 As the days dwindled down towards my departure more things got in place and it started feeling like home.  The 4th of July was pool time for us all and then we bbq'd.  After dinner we swam some more then came in and watched The Call with Halle Berry (so fricken good!!) and Identity Theft with Jason Bateman and Mellissa McCarthy which was...eh?   We also had Banana Splits!!  Good ending.

 The next a.m. I had to get up and pack because it was time to leave. I was sad to know I had to leave my sisters and fly away.  The good part was I was flying to San Diego, CA to see my BFF, Rocky.  I've known Rocky since I was 10.  She is one person that knows EVERYTHING about me and my life and has been there for me, although she has lived in UT or CA longer than she's lived in WA.  But our friendship only grows stronger every day.  I am not sure I could live without her.  As my sisters drove me to the airport things were fine.  When I got out of the car, however, I knew I had to turn and say goodbye.  No more could I just get in the car and drive over to see them.  I know there is phones and texts but to not have my sisters by me, and to know Mom is no longer here, makes my heart hurt badly.  I know I am headed back to WA, and to be alone.  I hugged them goodbye but tears silenced my words as they told me how much they loved me and would miss me.  All I could do is shake my head for them to understand that I felt the same, I just couldn't get the words out.  I went into the airport and found a corner and completely broke down.  Once I could breathe, even just a bit I checked in and went through security and got to my gate.  I called my husband and broke down.  He did a good job talking me out of my tears.  It was time to board and before I knew it we were up in the air, had a drink and we were landing 15 minutes early!  I got out to the curb and there was Rocky and her girls!  I broke down immediately and within 10 minutes we became the true idiots we always are and the laughter began...

 I have 10 days here in San Diego and we will start off by heading to Palm Springs, then it's Riley (Rocky's eldest) bday and then we'll go to Knott's Berry Farm for a day of roller coastering and THEN I still have 5 days left to do.....????  But I know there will be lots of love, laughter and FOOD.  The only thing missing will be my sisters.

 Until next time, all my love,

Teri C