The leaves are changing

 

I have always heard that if you love your job you will never work a day in your life.  I love teaching but I am not at all excited for this upcoming year.  Maybe that is because I have went through a LOT of changes in the past year.  Maybe it's because we have a huge new staff or maybe it's because I've lost my passion.  Perhaps it's all a combination but I am definitely not ready.

 

I know I need to spend probably three days in my classroom setting up, organizing and creating lesson plans.  We have to tear our rooms down at the end of the school year so now I have to put Humpty Dumpty back together again.

 

Since my sisters move to Phoenix I have had time to reflect and then it dawned on me.  Vickie won't be here to go to Staples on Teacher Appreciation Day.  They have it every year.  You go to a store and they have donuts and juice and then a bag with goodies.  Being the honest girl we are, we arrive at our first Staples at 9am walk in, get our free stuff and get out. Next, we look at the navigator to the next closest Staples and drive there, walk in, get our freebies and walk out.  We do this for a solid three hours from Tacoma to Seattle and from Burien to Issaquah.  You would be AHmazed at how much ground we cover.  And although everything in our bags are samples, by the time you've been to 10 Staples you have lots of "stuff" to stock your classroom with.   And of course there are raffles so within a week you may get called for that prize, as well.  When we're all done we have lunch and go home.  The following weekend we go to the outlet stores and cheap stores (Ross, TJ Maxx..etc.,) for school clothes shopping.  We start out about 10am and literally go until 9 or 10pm.  Of course there is eating throughout the day, as well.  Then we come back to Vickie's house and try on clothes and give my other sister, Anita, a fashion show.  But this year it's just me.  My husband, Ricky, will have to drive me over to Ross and then pick me up when I call him.  Neat, huh?

 

My driver's license has ben revoked from June '13 until June '14 because of the auto accident I was in on November 2, 2011.  I drove from about 2 weeks after the accident in '11 through May of 2012 and no issues/tickets/accidents...nothing.  So imagine my amazement that the DOL was REVOKING my license a year and seven months after my accident.   Did I mention I have a spotless driving record (up to the accident?)  So now I have to rely on everyone to drive me places or come pick me up if I want to do anything.  And it was an ACCIDENT for heaven's sake.  My insurance took care of everything and it's almost been two years.  But leave it to the DOL to not be on top of things.  Another reason I can't wait to get out of WA.

 

My sister Vickie has a dog, Simba, who came from the same litter as my dog, Harleigh.  While I was in Phoenix I saw a spot on her leg.  Vickie went and had it checked out.  It's stage two bone cancer.  That makes me very sad.  Now I look at Harleigh every day for lumps.  Vickie had the tumor removed and they found one in her mouth, as well and removed it.  So now she will see an Oncologist to see how to proceed.  The girls are only eight.  I know Simba is a tough cookie (they are Rhodesian Ridgebacks/Lab mix) and if Vickie gets her on the right meds she could last two-four more years.  I get sad when I think about Harleigh OR Parker having to die.

 

Speaking of death, a classmate of mine from high school has stage 4 breast cancer.  She's beaten stage 3 TWICE over the years but this time, the cancer will win.  Tumors are throughout her body and attached to every organ and now her brain.  The doctors said she wouldn't be here by Xmas of 2011 and here it is almost three years later.  But my friend went to actually say goodbye to her.  We all know it's time for her to be out of pain and be laid to rest.  She says she's not afraid and she's ready to let go.  She was always so nice to me and although not BFF's she was the first to lend her hand to comfort me when I went through cancer, twice (I am in remission.)  I get so nervous everyday because I don't know if we'll hear through the phone or by text or over FB.  But we all know it's coming.  So much death seems to surround me lately.  I never think about it but nowadays it seems like it can't get off my mind.  My prayers go out to you tonight, Lisa, that you may pass peacefully and the horrific pain you are enduring will forever be gone.  You will be missed but your kindness will live on through me.  I remember my friends, Laura & Cindy's mom once told me, "When someone dies, take ONE thing you loved about that person and incorporate it into who you are. Then, in a way, that person will live on through your actions.  Thanks, Sally.

 

I have a week and a 1/2 before I have to go back for good.  I bought my ticket to Phoenix from Dec 20th - Dec 31st. 

 

My friend, Caren and I are going to see Blondie in concert at Marymoor Park in Redmond on the 17th of September.  I am hoping for my bday Ricky will take me to Snoqualmie Casino as they have The Price is Right LIVE! (which originated in Vegas) playing there on the 28th.   Caren and I will also take a road trip across the mountains for the last few days of sun and relaxation.  I also heard that Carl's Jr. has a Green Burrito in Ellensburg (center of WA state) and since I had those at Rocky's (San Diego) I haven't stopped thinking about them.  Sad, but true.  We will stop by the North Bend Outlet Mall on our way home to do a little clothes shopping for school, too.

 

Another school year and summer complete.  Here goes a new school year, with most of my family gone, waiting for the outcome of my hearing against the district (who is trying to argue that zero tolerance=under the influence) and getting our "Moving to AZ" checklist ready and start getting on a role.  I still ant to be a 911 operator.  Maybe I'll change when I get to AZ.  Who knows. I need something different because this life has become CRAP.

 

Teri C

45 is the new....No. It's just 45.

Today is Memorial Day of 2013.

It's been 3 years since I wrote.  I don't know why.  Maybe because I was so busy living life that I never took the time to stop and say what was happening.  Now if you ask me what happened in the last three years I don't have a lot to say.  I was in a car accident.  I passed out at the wheel, crossed the line and hit an oncoming car head on.  Because of that I now have a felony on my record for a car accident.  I had my license revoked for a year and I will have to take the test over AGAIN as if I was 16 in June of 2014.  I've never had a ticket but now I'm a felon.   It's not even really a felony because when you have to check off that box on any type of application for ANYTHING and you say it's for a car accident and the other guy had a few stitches in his forehead and was let out of the hospital in a few hours people look at you like you're crazy and you continue as normal.  This has just been surreal.

How about my husband losing his job?  Yeah, this was pretty neat. He was diagnosed with Congestive Heart Failure and COPD.  For the next two years he just sat at home and let me go to work everyday and pay for everything on my own.  He never did anything at home to help and when I did get paid, he took my debit car and went and drank money away at the pub.  My resentment built up so bad I felt my depression spiral downward and out of control.  He never understood me.  He only understood, "He was dying."   Which, aren't we all?

Last December 29th I got a call from my sister, Anita, and when I answer I can't get the words out of my head. "Mom passed away."  I just had spent four days, including Xmas eve and day with my Mom and two sisters.  It was so great.  We talked about growing up and where we were going.  The dogs were running around.  I sat with my Mom for what would be the last time and took her through my pictures on my iPad that she had never seen, even pictures of her after her last round of chemo a few years back.  She was appalled at those few pics and said, "I never want to look like that again!"  I said, "But look at you now!  You look so good and that's amazing!"  As we dropped her off at her home I hugged her, told her I loved her and got into my truck and drove home.  To a home where I was in a severe depression.   Who knew four days later I would be told that she had left me forever?

The viewing was the worst thing I have ever endured in my life.  To stand beside my mommy and ask her about all those plans we had that will never come true.  What about all those questions I still have?  What about all those things coming that I won't know how to handle?  What about when I need help?  What about when I want to die and I really am ready to go and only my mother's love can tell me that I AM somebody and that she loves me so much?  Who will tell me I am pretty?  That I am talented?  That I can do anything?   I don't think anyone understands that her body lying there, with her eyes closed, and not responding was the WORST thing that could ever happen to me in my life.  She was gone.  And there was nothing I could do about it.  And I don't know anyone who understands how I feel.   So I stay to myself and cry so hard, until I'm empty and then pretend I'm okay because that's how I'm supposed to be, right.

Five months later...I've lived through my brother's bday, my sister's bday, my dad's bday, my parent's anniversary and mother's day. All without my Mom. Now its Memorial Day.  I can't go to the cemetery.  I went there once for my dad after he died.  Ricky took me.  I walked to his grave and placed flowers on it.  But it felt so cold and lonely.   I've never been back.  Since my mom's burial I haven't been back.  It might sound stupid, but since watching Long Island Medium I am just believing more and more that maybe Mom and Dad are around me all the time and with me.  It's just the hollow feeling inside that I don't know how to restore.  I don't know who I am.  45 and I have no clue who I am.  I am Iris' youngest daughter.  I'm her baby.   Not anymore.  I'm just Teri.  45 year old Teri.  Who is that, really?

Next up.....my sisters are moving to AZ.  I was supposed to move, too, but it just didn't work out.  I am aiming for next summer.  But they will leave in three weeks.  When they go...my insides will grow a bit more hollow.  I am just that much more alone.  My best friend lives forever away.  I can't drive to go see anyone.  All of my friends were lucky enough to have children and have lives.  I'm not hating, it's just a realization that I am trying to come to terms with that as I look at MY life, this is what *I* am dealing with.   School is coming to a close.  I will drive with my sisters to AZ for their final move, go to San Diego to see Rocky, my best friend, go to Mexico with my husband and then a small jaunt somewhere with my good friend, Angie before next school year begins.  Hopefully somewhere I find healing in this search for myself while saying goodbye, for now, to my sisters.


So, take this love, take it down
Oh if you climb a mountain and you turn around
If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well the landslide will bring you down, down Fleetwood Mac Live 2013, Tacoma Dome 5/20/13

 ~Teri, 45

Goodbye Brooke

Here is how my spring break went down. After school Friday my sister Kelley and I went to Red Robin to celebrate Spring Break.


When I got home that night my old roommate Monica called to tell me that her 10 day old baby was sick. She was to have an operation and they would check her again on Saturday. Saturday morning Monica called me at 7 am to tell me that Brooke was going to die.


I spent all saturday with Monica and her family at the hospital. At 10pm they pulled the life support from 11 day old Brooke. Brooke Lyn Wells died at 11pm on April 1st.


My first wedding anniversary on April 2nd was not one to be celebrated, as the sadness of Brooke's passing was overwhelming.


The funeral was Wednesday. I have NEVER had to endure anything so sad.
I spent the next few days at my Mom's. It reminded me that no matter how mad we get at someone, their life can be gone before we have time to let them know we care.


Take a minute now, to tell your parents/friends/spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend/sister/brother/aunts/uncles/neices..
whomever......tell them you love them, or give them a hug. If they are far away send a card or email. It may not be your last chance, but Baby Brooke is a reminder that it *could* be.


This goes out to all my family and friends and my students.
I love you all.
Teri/Mrs. C